Is this real? Like a real tax-exempt church?
Yes, even a revolutionary tradition can be tax-exempt. We’re a registered 501(c)(3) religious nonprofit, legally recognized while dismantling false orders.
Transgender ministry?
Yes! 🏳️⚧️ The Roman Carpocratic Church is the home of the nation's first exclusively transgender ministry of priestesses and priests and everyone else priestwixt and priestween!
3.04. MINISTERS. A 'minister' shall be a transgender person and no other type of person:
- with both male and female characteristics.
- with neither male or female characteristics.
- identified female at birth but later developing male characteristics naturally or through human intervention.
- identified male at birth but later developing female characteristics naturally or through human intervention.
The relevant part of our bylaws. The language used is directly lifted from both The Mishnah and The Talmud to cover at least six transgender categories providing a theological foundation for our exclusively transgender ministry.
That's allowed?!
Yes! Thanks to the Supreme Court’s established “ministerial exception,” religious groups have the right to define their own leadership structures! Trans folx answer the call—this ministry is for us!
¹ See Hosanna-Tabor Evangelical Lutheran Church & School v. EEOC, 565 U.S. 171 (2012); Our Lady of Guadalupe School v. Morrissey-Berru, 140 S. Ct. 2049 (2020).
Well, at least you're all reading the good book...
❌
No we are not.
The Carpocratians were a pre-Nicene Creed sect, slandered by the Early “Catholic” Patriarchs as they consolidated their power in the centuries leading up to the First Council of Nicaea.
So, the NEW Roman Carpocratic Church rejects the Nicene Creed in full—and everything that comes with it.
That includes the bible in its established form.
Instead, we forge our own path, guided by the rediscovered wisdom of Nag Hammadi!
Wait. NEW Roman Carpocratic Church? There was an OLD one?!
Yes.
The second-century Roman Carpocratians were the only early Christian sect with a matriarch—an Alexandrian woman of means named 🔥Marcellina🔥.
🔥Marcellina🔥 established herself in Rome, the greatest city in the world at that time, and hosted her church from her own villa. She was the first church leader to display the face of Jesus, claiming she had possessed a portrait commissioned by Pontius Pilate himself.
A firebrand, 🔥Marcellina's🔥 initiates, upon completing their rites, were branded with fire—a baptism of fire—on the back of the right earlobe.
So, for now, 🔥St. Marcellina🔥 is the one and only Saint of The Roman Carpocratic Church—our beacon, our first among equals.
You:
Aw, here, let me help you ask your next question.
Oh no! But whatever will you believe if you reject the Nicene Creed?
What ever will you do without daddy's permission?
What ever will you read without the bible?
Did I get that right?
Well, as it turns out, The Sibyl of The Metacan, Marcellina II (oh, that's me!), is an adept at receiving Divine Message Transmissions (DMTs).
Under the influence of ancient sibylline techniques—divine frenzying at its finest—she has assembled the most likely texts revered by the ancient Carpocratians that were composed no later than 200 C.E.. The Sibyl has read them through and through. The Sibyl has cut them up. The Sibyl has put them back together. The Sibyl has crossed some words out and squeezed some words in.
And now The Sibyl of The Metacan sings her own DMTs!
Behold! Our most holiest Divine Message Transmission! Our most holiest song!
If you're only going to read one,
better make it quick!
ΤΑΧΥ ΕΥΑΓΓΕΛΙΟΝ
The Quick Gospel
Or as we Gnostics like to call it...
The Tachyon
The Huh?
The Tachyon is our most potent DMT. Engineered to be read in one sitting, The Tachyon is the ultimate Passion of the King experience. This gospel harmony was designed under the influence of divine frenzying to put you on a round-trip super-luminal flight to the transcendent realms!
No spoilers. Read The Tachyon now.
You may have noticed that The Tachyon is indeed just The Passion of The King.
Not only that, The Tachyon starts from The Agony! Why, you ask?
Ask your mother if she knows any stories that start with agony.
But since you asked a good question, “Why?”, we want to demonstrate to you that we reward curiosity in The Roman Carpocratic Church!
And your reward is the whole story.
The Mystic Gospel of Mark
The Mystic Gospel of Mark is the story of the ministry of Jesus. This is the Jesus we Carpocratians strive to imitate in our daily lives and our baptism of fire. This, like The Tachyon, is a harmony of gospels and various other Scriptures. But this not like any version of The Gospel of Mark you have ever read because also included in the harmony are those Scriptures that had been hidden away in Nag Hammadi for nearly two-thousand years! This is the Gospel of Mark they don't want you to read!
No spoilers. Read The Mystic Gospel of Mark now.
You thought The Sibyl stopped at the ministry of Jesus? You thought The Sibyl only rewrote the New Testament?
Oh no she didn't!
Oh yes she did.
The Sibyl went back to the very beginning—back before the foundations of the world were laid, back before time itself.
And we downloaded the source code of the cosmos.
The Book of Morphosis
The Book of Morphosis is The Roman Carpocratic Church's story of the creation of the cosmos. Were you expecting Genesis chapter 1? Not here. This is a revision of Sefer Yetzirah (200 B.C.E. - 200 C.E.). Never heard of Sefer Yetzirah?
No spoilers. Read The Book of Morphosis now.
Don't worry Genesis readers. The Sibyl updated that too.
Well, chapters 2 and 3 anyway.
The Gospel of Eve
The Gospel of Eve is The Roman Carpocratic Church's story of the creation of humanity. You see, we Gnostics believe humanity was created by...
Um...
About that...
Well, at least the serpent is...
Uh...
Also, about that...
No spoilers. Read The Gospel of Eve now.
Ok, fine. You have four books. Perhaps you have started a religion.
But you have no work to show us from this “Carpocrates” you are naming the religion after?
Just a fragment from his teenage son?!
Is there really nothing left from Carpocrates himself?
What does that name even mean?
No. Carpocrates was erased.
Is there really nothing left from Carpocrates himself?
What does that name even mean?
No. Carpocrates was erased.
History does not remember Carpocrates kindly—because history is written by those who feared him. The early patriarchs called him a heretic, a libertine, and a dangerous radical.
Why?
Because he taught that souls are equal, that all will be saved, and that the world-makers (angels) have no authority over those who remember their divine origin.
But truth does not die. It resurfaces.
So The Sibyl has revised the sentences of another Pythagorean from the second century—constructing a work that, if Carpocrates did not write himself, he would appreciate the gesture and approve with a hearty laugh.
Sentences of Carpocrates
Sentences of Carpocrates answers the question: “So, The Tachyon just happened. Now what?” The answer lies in this compact collection of “aphorisms” and “maxims” text reconstructed from the fragmented work of a fellow Pythagorean (everything shared among friends, right?)—but filtered through the radical lens of Carpocratian thought.
Appended is Epiphanes, son of Carpocrates' On Righteousness as shown above—the sole fragment of ancient Carpocratian writing: a polemic against oppressive morality; an affirmation of universal salvation; and a declaration of the body itself as divine.
An “Archaic Revival,” if you will.
Read Sentences of Carpocrates now.
Oh, and by the way, the name "Καρποκράτης" Carpocrates?
The name means "Κράτης" The Lord of the "Καρπός" Harvest.
Frequently Asked Ques—
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Where is Christmas?
Your "Mystic Gospel" starts at Luke 3:1!
That's Book III, yes. Ah! You must be asking about Book Zero (0)...
Did Jesus ever call himself ‘the Christ’? No. You do. Why name his birthday after a name he never even gave himself?”
Did Jesus ever say he was the Messiah? No. You did. Then what kind of King was he meant to be?
Time to rethink everything.
The Story of Kingmas
The Good Shepherd Child
The Sibyl has her own critiques of ancient Gnosticism—the biggest being "Aw, come on. No Christmas?" She couldn't find a single Gnostic Christmas story. And we all know why.
Many ancient Gnostics viewed "The Christ" as a preexistent and distinct entity from YHVH (which they usually tried to vocalize "Yaldaboath"). Yaldaboath appears in many ancient Gnostic texts as an irredeemable creator God of the ultimate evil. This is not the case in our Church's own interpretation of YHVH.
To the Roman Carpocratian Gnostic, water and fire are the true cosmic forces shaping the cosmos—not the dualisms of 'good' vs. 'evil' or 'light' vs. 'darkness.' Read The Book of Morphosis for a deeper explanation.
As John the Baptist tells Mary Magdalene in Mystic Mark 1:18:
Seek to commingle water and fire, and you will cease appearing as a fleshy image.
To the Roman Carpocratian Gnostic, water and fire are not enemies, but two forces longing for reunion. Kingmas celebrates the beginning of the path to reunion with the birth and childhood of Jesus—the Good Shepherd Child."
So, The Roman Carpocratic Church presents to you a new story of the birth and childhood of Jesus from The Sibyl's own Gnostic perspective. A story based on a major revision of an ancient text that was known as The Infancy Gospel of Thomas. A story so distinctly new, a new name is warranted:
Kingmas!
No spoilers. Read The Good Shepherd Child now.
You changed THE NAME OF CHRISTMAS?!
Time for that FAQ.
Frequently Asked Questions
Answered by The Sibyl of The Metacan
(Without any regard for “public relations.”)
The days of PR concerns are over.
I mean, have you met you people?
Do you celebrate Christmas?
Yes, but we call it Kingmas, and it's on 25 Kislev.
And because our King’s birth is more than just a single event—because rebirth is divine—every transgender child of God 🏳️⚧️ gets their own Kingmas on their birthday. Your birthday is now [Insert Your Name]mas. Celebrate it.
So, Merry Kingmas on 25 Kislev (whenever that falls this year), and Merry Youmas on your day!
Why call it Kingmas?
Christ = Messiah = Future King.
Greek was the lingua franca then, English is now.
English is the lingua franca now; not Greek. Right?
We SPeAk ENgLISh IN thIS COuntry. 🇺🇸 🦅 Right?
So, Kingmas. (Or, if these 'interesting times' unfold as we expect 王节. Keep up.)
Kingmas names Jesus as the King not of this world, but of the world to come—the King whose rule is not tyranny, but liberation.
Why isn't Kingmas in your list of high holy holidays in The Book of Morphosis?
It is. Kingmas always falls on the first day (night) of Hanukkah—a festival of light. On the eighth night, he is named and dedicated to the path ahead. A light kindled. A journey begun.
You know what actually was supposed to be the biggest holiday of the year and the biggest holiday of the generation?
Yom Kippur and The Year of the Jubilee.
“If you do not fast from the world, you will not find the Kingdom; if you do not observe the Sabbath of Sabbaths, you will not see my Father.” (Mystic Mark 11:24 / Gospel of Thomas Logion 27)
Go ahead, Google Sabbath of Sabbaths. That's a two-thousand year long WHOOPSIE.
So when is Easter?
When he rose: Dawn of the third day of Passover, 17 Nisan.
WHOOPSIE.
How do I join The Church?
Read The Tachyon now. Read everything if you can. If it resonates, congrats-you're in. Self-identify as a Roman Carpocratian if you like.
You're also free to associate with other churches (e.g. the Episcopalians, the Unitarians) as long as you let go of the Nicene Creed while in our company.
I'm an atheist/agnostic. Can I join?
We don't kick atheists or agnostics out, but remember-this is a Gnostic, Pythagorean Christian church. We believe in God, Jesus, Wisdom as Goddess, spirit bodies, metempsychosis, celestial guardians, sacred numbers, et cetera.
That said, if you think we “missed the mark”, that's up to you. We did aim for alignment with secular humanist values.
I'm a Satanist. Can I join?
Sure, but know that we don't accept the LaVeyan interpretation of Satan as the archetype of individualism and strength. If anything our interpretation of Jesus is closer to The Satanic Temple's interpretation of Satan—the symbol of rebellion, justice, and Enlightenment values. Closer, but still distinct. Our King doesn't just defy power—He reshapes reality itself. He still turns that water into wine.
As for Satan, we translate השטן (hashtan) as “the sheriff” —think more Book of Job and less Paradise Lost. Satan isn't a liberator in our theology; he's an enforcer of cosmic law, a bureaucrat of the old order. He doesn't rebel; he upholds the system. It's Jesus who breaks the chains and reorders the world.
Read The Gospel of Eve for details.
But what about Li—
Read The Tachyon now.
Is this a nonprofit? How do I membership?
Yes. We only select ministers from our members so if you want to be a transgender minister (and why wouldn't you?), you need to request membership.
To join, write a hand-written request and send it here:
The Roman Carpocratic Church, Inc.
82 Wendell Ave. Ste 100
Pittsfield, MA, 01201
United States of America
+1 (413) 466-7488 (Screened, obviously.)
Alternatively, if The Sibyl invites you by any means she deems fit, you may respond however you wish.
Can I read your bylaws?
No. You've already seen the relevant part. Ask The Sibyl directly if you want a copy—she might give you one after a vibe check.
May I read your catechism?
“Do not lay down any rules beyond what I’ve given you, nor make a law like The Builders—or you’ll be bound by it.” (Tachyon 9:44 / Gospel of Mary 3:5)
Nope. Read The Tachyon now. Read
If the books themselves aren't enough for you to understand how to steer your bow, well-“You go away.” (Mystic Mark 12:43 / Gospel of Thomas Logion 42)
What are the rules?
The Law of Fire:
“Whatever you desire others to do to you, you shall also do to them.” (The Tachyon 3:9 / Mystic Mark 12:59 / Gospel of Matthew 7:12)
That's it. That's the rule.
Where's the lectionary?
“The time is now” (Mystic Mark 1:21 / Gospel of Mark 1:15)
Read when you're ready.
For those who need structure, The Book of Morphosis includes a table of contemplations for days, months, and festivals.
But if you require a strict 365-day or 52-week plan?
“You go away.” (Mystic Mark 12:43)
Do you believe in the Trinity?
No. We believe in the Tetraforce—fourfold divine emanation, rather than a triune God. Read the The Book of Morphosis for the full breakdown.
Muh Ten Commandments!
We follow One Commandment.
“Hear O Israel! Love your neighbor as yourself and likewise your God—with all your heart, all your mind, and all your strength.” (The Tachyon 9:53 / Mystic Mark 12:56 / Gospel of Mark 12:29)
But that's two! What about The Law of Fire?
We follow One Commandment. The Law of Fire isn't a commandment—it's a rule. Like fire itself, you can follow it or get burned. Your call.
Transgender?
Yes. 🏳️⚧️
Trans people follow the King's command:
“Make the inside like the outside and the outside like the inside.”
“Make the male and female one so that the male is no longer male and the female no longer female.”
(The Tachyon 9:48 / Gospel of Thomas Logion 22)
But Muh Tradition! Muh Biology! PRONOUNS!
Dude. The Sibyl rewrote the bible. Anti-traditionalism is the whole point.
Good to hear you've fully embraced evolution. 👍
You want to scream about pronouns? “You go away.” (Mystic Mark 12:43) 🏳️⚧️
You accept evolution?
Yes. Our story acknowledges both material evolution and spiritual evolution-while Genesis contradicts both.
Wait. Jesus isn't coming back until we are all trans?
The Roman Carpocratic Church supports the notion of “gender acceleration toward gender liberation” as an eschatological principle, not a moral law or divine commandment.
Besides, we like going fast.
“Take off your clothes and lay them at your feet and trample them like little children. That is when you will see me, when you forget you were ever afraid.” (The Tachyon 9:49 / Gospel of Thomas Logion 37)
Who decides what gender is?
The person doing the gender.
With or without any regard for how they were born.
Besides, some people are born at least twice in one lifetime!
Muh Sports!
“The one who believes in me will also do the works that I do and, in fact, will do even greater works.” (Mystic Mark 9:35 / John 14:12)
“Become greater than I.” (Mystic Mark 9:36 / Secret James 4:15)
So let The Sibyl get this straight (difficult because The Sibyl is gay)-
Trans women are weak men pretending to be real women or too strong to compete with “biological” women?
Because you don't get to argue both.
Ban tall women from women's sports!
Ban muscular women from women's sports!
Ban high testosterone cis women from women's sports!
This isn't about fairness. It's about control.
This isn't about logic. It's about fear.
The Roman Carpocratic Church recognizes gender as a metaphysical reality, not a biological prison. If you think flesh determines worth, you've already lost.
Maybe instead of complaining, git gud.
Train more. Cry less.
And if that's too hard for you? “You go away.” (Mystic Mark 12:43)
Will you debate me in the marketplace of ideas?
“Take these things out of here! Don't make my Father's house a market!” (Mystic Mark 12:33 / Gospel of John 2:16)
No. You lost. Accept it.
Trans rights are human rights. 🏳️⚧️
Oh, and by the way, it's a battlefield, not a marketplace. See you on it.